Clip of Trump: I'm a wartime president. This is a war. Different kind of a war that we've never had. John Oliver: Yeah. I guess it is different, isn’t it? It's like World War II and the enemy is invisible. Or the Vietnam War, only this time Trump is actually taking part. —Last Week Tonight
“Jared Kushner is working tirelessly to figure out how this virus got into Harvard without help.” —Trevor Noah
Continued…
"The longer this goes on, the harder it's going to be to return to a society where pants are required." —Stephen Colbert
"My boredom has reached 'Memorize the Vice Presidents' level." —Conan O'Brien
Nothing will stand in the way of getting important COVID-19 information to the American people, besides the President literally standing in the way of the entire Y-axis. —Full Frontal
"It's scary enough to give birth when there's not a pandemic. The demand for home births is rising. Midwives are getting booked up faster than The Cheesecake Factory during prom season. Well, not this prom season. This year's prom is on Zoom. The theme? Don't die." —Samantha Bee
"The positive news is the president, for once, appears to have listened to someone. Despite originally saying everybody would be back to work by Easter, he announced he'll extend social-distancing guidelines through April 30th. I'm honestly surprised he didn’t just say he's moving Easter: 'I spoke to Jesus. He said, sir, if you need to move easter, I will wait to rise again.'" —Jimmy Kimmel
"Yesterday it was announced that Ford is going to build 50,000 ventilators in a hundred days, and GM is also racing to make their own ventilators. And because they're American car makers, these ventilators will come with sixteen cup holders and a pair of truck nuts." —Stephen Colbert
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers forFriday, April 3, 2020
Note: For your safety, all surfaces in Cheers and Jeers have been wiped down with my grandmothers green bean casserole made from her secret homemade recipe. Trust me, the COVID-19 doesn’t stand a chance.
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By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Days 'til Good Friday, which falls a day after Meh Thursday: 7
Approval rating for California Gov. Gavin Newsom in the latest PPP poll: 83%
Newsom's approval among California Trump voters in the same poll: 65%
Percent of registered U.S. voters surveyed by Morning Consult who support Medicare-for-All (versus 35% who don't), a 9-point jump since mid-February: 55%
Number of years Wimbledon has been canceled for any reason besides a world war: 1 (2020 virus outbreak)
Portion of Americans surveyed by Pew Research who don’t know what the hell you're talking about when you mention "Q-anon" to them: 3-in-4
CHEERS to the end of all this madness and whatnot. The scientists in Pittsburgh have been swarming, and they may be about to save the planet from the Mar-A-Lago virus:
Doctors and researchers at UPMC in Pittsburgh said Thursday they have created a vaccine to protect against COVID-19 and are seeking federal permission to begin testing it for safety.
They said they began working on it Jan. 21 and found mice had developed antibodies against COVID-19 about two weeks after receiving the vaccine. They said they based the vaccine on work previously done at UPMC that sought to create vaccines to protect against SARS and MERS, which they said are similar to the new coronavirus. […]
They further said their vaccine is one that is easily scalable to produce in large quantities. It also includes a unique delivery method in which hundreds of tiny needles are in a patch similar to a Band-Aid, with the needles, made of sugar and protein particles,dissolving into the skin to deliver the vaccine.
Now all that needs to happen is for the White House to act quickly, decisively, and intelligently to usher it through the approval process. So January 20th at the earliest.
CHEERS to deliverin' the goods. On April 3, 1948, Harry Truman signed The Marshall Plan, which gave $5 billion (and, later, another $7 billion) in aid to sixteen European countries so they could rebuild in the wake of World War II. The result:
Marshall Plan aid allowed the nations of Western Europe to relax austerity measures and rationing, reducing discontent and bringing political stability.
"Okay, boys, the ink's dry. Now let's go save Europe so Republicans will have something to destroy in 70 years."
The communist influence on Western Europe was greatly reduced, and throughout the region communist parties faded in popularity in the years after the Marshall Plan.
Today the U.S. government, with Russian backing, is trying to weaken Europe by increasing discontent and fomenting political instability. And Great Britain is embracing more austerity measures and rationing, thanks to its disastrous attempt, with Russian backing, to weaken Europe by "Brexiting" from the EU. That's what I love most about history: the not learning from it part.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis. Wash your hands. Be more like Sandra.����� pic.twitter.com/t8TTizDGeD
� Rex Chapman�� (@RexChapman) April 1, 2020
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to Old Glory. On April 4, 1818, Congress finally got off its duff and officially proclaimed that the U.S. flag would have thirteen red and white stripes to honor the minty freshness of candy canes, and one star for each star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. They also decreed that any politician who fails to wear a five-pound American-flag lapel pin 24/7 will thus and forevermore be branded "a filthy tyrant wretch in dire need of a caning." Sadly, they failed to include a rule forbidding anyone from "grabbing the flag by the pussy, popping a tic-tac, and moving on it like a bitch." Because, seriously, who would ever be that much of a demented sicko?
I had to ask.
JEERS to leadership by denial. The dictator of Turkmenistan has found a novel way to win the war on the pandemic now going on a killer joyride around the globe. Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov's brilliant solution: he's banning the word "coronavirus." Yup. I expect that’ll work about as well as it did for Hitler when he won World War II from his bunker in 1945 by banning the word "allies."
JEERS to the long and short of it. After he was sworn in, 68 year-old William Henry Harrison gave the longest inaugural speech of any president: 105 minutes. Here are some of the highlights:
9 minute mark "Okay, let’s break the ice with a little game of ‘Duck Duck Goose.’ Vice President Tyler, why don’t you go first."
True fact: Harrison spent 17 minutes of his inaugural address in a stare-down contest with the crowd. He won.
30 minute mark ”So the guy looks at him and says: ‘The Aristocrats!’ Ha ha ha, great joke! But seriously...”
36 minute mark "I was thinkin’ the other day: I wonder if we’ll ever have a president who’s a total douchebag cuz he’s filthy rich but also really stupid and wrecks everything cuz he thinks he’s such a ‘bigly’ dictator. Naaaaaah!!! So, anyway, back to my story about the frog and the loaded musket crossing the river...”
42 minute mark "Hey, can somebody give me a signal at the 104-minute mark so I’ll know to wrap it up? Thanks."
62 minute mark"Aaaaaahhhh-CHOO!!!! I know, I know, say it don't spray it, ha ha ha…but anyway—[sniffle]—now there are 44 bottles of beer on the wall. Yes, 44 bottles of beer. Then you take one down and pass it around..."
93 minute mark: "[Sigh] Can we just all stand really still for a few minutes and just, like, be? Let’s combine our auras and just feel..."
The day was unusually cold and windy, and he delivered his address in nothing more than a pair of boxers and a swath of leopard skin draped over his shoulder. Bad move. 31 days later, on April 4, 1841, Harrison became the first president to die in office of either pneumonia or his doctors' treatment of his pneumonia. Pay your respects here. Please keep it brief.
CHEERS to home vegetation. As far as weekend TV goes, everything live—Bill Maher, SNL, sports—is still canceled, with the exception of the cable news shows and network Sunday morning shows. But let's tool around and see what's new.
Tomorrow night ABC unleashes the Chuck.
There's a new The Blacklist (NBC) and Shark Tank (ABC) tonight. New home video releases include Star Wars IX and the epic showdown between Edison, Westinghouse, and Tesla in The Current War. The elephant in the room on TV this weekend is the annual airing of Cecil B. DeMille's epic bladder buster The Ten Commandments tomorrow night—for nearly FIVE hours—on ABC, featuring the former head of the NRA as Moses, the mom from The Munsters as his wife, and music by the guy who also scored Airplane! and Ghostbusters. (Spoiler Alert: Ramses chooses poorly.) For best results, watch with the sound turned down and create your own dialogue. On 60 Minutes: the coronavirus effect on small businesses, and preservation of holocaust memories using virtual reality. The new season of Westworld continues Sunday at 9 on HBO, and Quagmire opens a cat café on Family Guy (9:30, Fox). And live from John Oliver's basement, there's a new episode of Last Week Tonight at 11 on HBO.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Surgeon General Jerome Adams; Govs. Jay Inslee (D-WA) and Asa Hutchinson (R-AR); Italian prime minister Giuseppe Conte.
Sunday morning on NBC: Gov. Inslee.
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: Former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb; Anxiety and Depression Association of America director Luana Marques; Northwell Health CEO Michael Dowling; James Bullard of the Federal Reserve in St. Louis.
CNN’s State of the Union: Gov. John Bel Edwards (D-LA).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-MI); Bill Gates.
Me at my first typewriter circa 1968. I taught Woodward and Bernstein everything they know.
CHEERS to 15 years of front-page silliness. On Sunday’s date in The Year Of Our Lord 2005, sixteen months after our debut in the Daily Kos diaries, this little column got promoted to the front page by Keyboard Kingpin Markos Moulitsas, who was clearly in the middle of a judgment-clouding bender. He suggested that C&J would be a nice morning wake-up feature for the blog’s readers—the east-coasters especially, given that most of the front-pagers back then lived out west and slept in past noon, leaving the site in limbo for hours.
What happened the first time I used the keys to the front page is now the stuff of legend. I posted C&J from my desk at work, then went to a meeting, then went to lunch, then came back to find an email from Kos asking me why I did something horrible with my html formatting (remember <u><b>those</b></u> days?) that stretched the front page margins across three time zones. You could almost see his arm reaching through the pixels to strangle me. I'm happy to say that's the one and only time I broke the blog, and I shall carve the accomplishment on my tombstone.
Through the years C&J has helped humanity weather the Iraq War, the Katrina catastrophe, the Great Recession, the presidency of—I swear this is true—failed businessman Donald Trump, and now a viral pandemic. But, hey, how about them Obama years! So whether you're a long-time splasher or a relative newcomer, thank you for reading and supporting this snarky little pimple on the blogiverse's butt. I promise to continue focusing on the liberal issues you care about in a serious and sober manner. Just as soon as I run out of fart jokes.
Have a socially-distant weekend surrounded by pillows and munchies. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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